Beard

Do I have a story to tell you.

Today, I was walking to class, and I happened to be walking towards a man with a beard. Now, I'm not talking about some freshman in high school trash-stache, this guy had an undiscovered garden of facial hair. I was in awe. Never before have I seen a man with such amazing face pubes. I was just staring at in, not paying attention to where I was going. Then, the unthinkable happened. We made eye contact. I got really nervous, he just caught me staring. But I did what any normal man would do. I scratched by beard at him, he saw the sign, and scratched back with an approving nod. We also said the verbal queues. I cannot tell you these exchanges, but I can tell you it involves saying "beard" a lot.

You may be thinking, "I don't get it." That's either because you're a chick, or a dude with no facial hair. These types of exchanges happen everyday between the select few of this world who have been graced by God to have a beard. It's the only thing we've got. We have to deal with parents saying "When are you going to shave?" Girls not wanting to be near you because "it feels like sandpaper." "Men" without beards being jealous because all they've been able to do is have a trash-stache or 3 hairs that they never shave, so it gets really long and disgusting. When I meet a man with a beard, we have the common bond of oppression. We know we're in this fight together.

I have come up with a plan to stop this oppression. What we need is a president with Civil War-era muttonchops. This will bring our issue to the forefront of the media. Only then can people learn to respect the cheek-carpets.